The Hidden Ways Anxiety Tricks You: Understanding Safety Behaviors

Anxiety has a sneaky way of convincing us that we need to protect ourselves from discomfort at all costs. When we feel anxious, our brains tell us to do something to make it stop—whether that’s avoiding a situation, overthinking it, or seeking reassurance. These behaviors may provide temporary relief, but in the long run, they reinforce anxiety, making it stronger and harder to manage.

These are called safety behaviors, and while they might feel like they help, they actually keep anxiety in control. They teach our brains that fear means danger, and the only way to feel better is to escape, overprepare, or rely on others.

Let’s break down five common types of safety behaviors, what they look like in everyday life, and how parents can unintentionally reinforce them in anxious children.

1. Avoidance

Avoidance is the most obvious safety behavior. If something makes us anxious, we simply don’t do it. While this removes the immediate discomfort, it also prevents us from learning that we can handle the situation.

🔹 Example in a Person: A student with social anxiety avoids speaking in class. Each time they skip participating, they feel relief—but they never build confidence in their ability to speak up.

🔹 Example in Parenting: A parent notices their child is nervous about sleepovers, so they never encourage them to go. Over time, the child never learns that they can tolerate being away from home.

💡 Why It Reinforces Anxiety: Avoidance confirms the brain’s false belief that the situation is dangerous. The more we avoid, the scarier it becomes.

2. Rumination (Overthinking the Problem)

Rumination is the endless cycle of worrying, analyzing, and mentally replaying scenarios to try and "solve" anxiety. This often feels productive but keeps the brain stuck in fear mode.

🔹 Example in a Person: Before a big work presentation, someone spends hours overanalyzing every possible way it could go wrong, convincing themselves they will fail. Instead of preparing effectively, they exhaust themselves with worry.

🔹 Example in Parenting: A parent of an anxious child constantly rethinks past parenting decisions, wondering if they "caused" their child's anxiety. They spend hours searching online for reassurance instead of focusing on practical strategies.

💡 Why It Reinforces Anxiety: Rumination keeps the brain stuck in worry mode, preventing the person from moving forward or learning that uncertainty is okay.

3. Reassurance Seeking

Reassurance seeking is when someone repeatedly asks for confirmation that things will be okay, trying to gain certainty in an uncertain world. While reassurance feels comforting in the moment, it prevents people from developing confidence in handling uncertainty.

🔹 Example in a Person: A teen with health anxiety frequently asks their parents, “Are you sure I’m not sick?” Even after hearing “Yes, you’re fine,” they ask again minutes later, unable to trust the answer.

🔹 Example in Parenting: A parent of an anxious child constantly reassures them—“There’s nothing to worry about,” “You’ll do great,” “I promise nothing bad will happen.” While well-intended, this prevents the child from learning how to self-soothe and tolerate uncertainty.

💡 Why It Reinforces Anxiety: The brain learns that relief only comes from external validation rather than developing internal confidence.

4. Safety Bargains & Tricks

This behavior involves creating "rules" or rituals that make anxiety feel more manageable. These tricks give a false sense of control, but they actually strengthen the need for them over time.

🔹 Example in a Person: Someone with social anxiety will only attend a party if they can bring a trusted friend. Over time, they believe they must have this friend with them to feel safe.

🔹 Example in Parenting: A child refuses to sleep alone, so the parent sits in the room every night until they fall asleep. Instead of gradually teaching independence, the child learns they must have the parent present to sleep.

💡 Why It Reinforces Anxiety: The brain starts to believe that the person can’t cope without these safety measures, increasing dependence on them.

5. Accommodations (Parenting’s Biggest Trap)

Accommodations happen when parents adjust their behavior to reduce their child’s anxiety. While this is a natural instinct, it unintentionally reinforces the fear by confirming that the world is scary and that the child needs the parent to make it safe.

🔹 Example in a Person: An adult with driving anxiety avoids highways, believing they are too dangerous. Their spouse always drives instead, unintentionally reinforcing the fear.

🔹 Example in Parenting: A child refuses to order their own food at a restaurant, so the parent always speaks for them. Over time, the child never develops confidence in speaking up.

💡 Why It Reinforces Anxiety: When parents accommodate, children don’t get the opportunity to develop coping skills. Instead, they become more dependent on their parents to manage their fears.

Breaking Free from Safety Behaviors

Understanding safety behaviors is the first step in overcoming them. The key to managing anxiety isn’t avoiding discomfort—it’s learning that discomfort is temporary and tolerable.

✅ Challenge Avoidance: Start with small steps rather than complete avoidance. If speaking up in class feels too hard, begin by answering yes/no questions before working up to full sentences.

✅ Reduce Reassurance: Instead of giving constant reassurance, ask, “What do you think will happen?” or “How have you handled this before?” to build self-trust.

✅ Gradually Remove Safety Crutches: If a child needs a parent in the room to sleep, slowly move toward sitting outside the door, then down the hall, until they can sleep independently.

✅ Teach Uncertainty Tolerance: Instead of overanalyzing, acknowledge uncertainty—“I don’t know exactly how it will go, but I’ll handle it.”

✅ Encourage Independent Coping: If a child refuses to order their food, encourage them to order with a simple phrase rather than fully stepping in.

Final Thoughts

Safety behaviors feel comforting in the moment, but they keep anxiety in control. The goal isn’t to eliminate all fear—it’s to build the confidence to face it. Whether you’re managing your own anxiety or helping an anxious child, the key is gradual exposure, internal reassurance, and learning that discomfort isn’t dangerous—it’s just part of growth.

🌟 Small steps lead to big change. Which safety behavior will you work on reducing today?