Accommodations: Parenting’s Biggest Trap in Childhood Anxiety
When a child struggles with anxiety, a parent’s instinct is to help. It’s natural to want to ease their distress, shield them from discomfort, and do whatever it takes to make them feel safe. However, this well-meaning response can backfire.
This is called accommodation—when parents adjust their behavior to reduce a child’s anxiety. While it may provide short-term relief, it unintentionally sends the message that the world is dangerous, that anxiety is too overwhelming to handle, and that they need a parent to feel safe. Over time, accommodations make anxiety worse, not better.
What Are Accommodations?
Accommodations happen when parents step in to prevent or reduce their child’s anxiety rather than helping them learn to manage it themselves. This could be avoiding certain situations, speaking for them, or modifying routines to prevent distress.
Here are some real-life examples of accommodations in action:
🔹 A parent calls out of school for their child who is anxious about a test.
🔹 A child refuses to sleep alone, so the parent stays in their bed every night.
🔹 A child is afraid of dogs, so the family avoids parks or houses with pets.
🔹 A parent answers for their shy child whenever an adult asks them a question.
In the moment, these actions feel like love and support. And they are—but they also reinforce the belief that anxiety is something to be feared rather than tolerated.
How Accommodations Reinforce Anxiety
While accommodations reduce distress in the short term, they have unintended long-term consequences. Here’s why:
1️⃣ They confirm that anxiety means danger.
If a child refuses to go to a birthday party because they’re nervous, and the parent allows them to stay home, the child learns that social situations are unsafe. The next time, their anxiety will likely be even stronger.
2️⃣ They prevent children from learning coping skills.
If a parent always orders food for a shy child, the child never gets the chance to practice speaking for themselves, making it even harder to do so in the future.
3️⃣ They increase dependence on parents.
If a child can only sleep with a parent in the room, they learn they need that presence to feel secure. Over time, this dependency grows, making it harder for them to develop self-soothing skills.
In short, accommodations keep kids stuck. They never get the chance to build confidence in their own ability to handle discomfort.
What Happens When Accommodations Continue Into Adulthood?
When accommodations continue, anxiety doesn’t just stay—it grows. Adults who were consistently accommodated as children often struggle with avoidance and dependency in later life.
🔹 Example: An adult with driving anxiety avoids highways, believing they are too dangerous. Their spouse always drives instead, unintentionally reinforcing the fear. Over time, driving becomes more and more overwhelming because they never build the skills to face it.
When children don’t get the chance to face anxiety, they grow into adults who avoid discomfort instead of managing it.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Reduce Accommodations
The good news? Parents can shift from accommodating anxiety to supporting their child in a way that builds confidence. Here’s how:
1. Validate, But Don’t Enable
Instead of: “Okay, I’ll call out of school so you don’t have to take the test.”
Try: “I know tests make you nervous. Let’s talk about what strategies could help you manage that stress.”
Validation helps a child feel heard while also setting the expectation that they can cope.
2. Gradual Exposure Over Avoidance
Instead of: Avoiding all social situations for a shy child.
Try: Encouraging them to order their own meal at a restaurant, starting with small, low-pressure situations.
3. Step Back Instead of Stepping In
Instead of: Answering for your child when someone asks them a question.
Try: Giving them a moment to respond on their own, even if it feels uncomfortable.
4. Set Small, Achievable Goals
If a child is scared of sleeping alone, don’t go from co-sleeping to full independence overnight. Instead, start with sitting by their bed, then outside the room, then down the hall.
5. Teach Tolerance for Discomfort
Anxiety isn’t the enemy—avoidance is. Help your child understand that discomfort isn’t dangerous and that they can handle it, even if it feels scary at first.
Final Thoughts
Accommodations come from a place of love, but they ultimately keep kids stuck in anxiety. The goal isn’t to eliminate distress—it’s to help children build the confidence to face it. The more they learn to manage discomfort now, the more resilient they will be in adulthood.
🌟 The best way to help an anxious child is to teach them that they are capable, not fragile. What small step can you take today to reduce accommodations?
